Let the conversation begin.
Suicide & Bipolar Disorder - A "Daring Greatly" Personal Story Submitted by a Brave Soul in our Bipolar Community
On our website, Hope Xchange Nonprofit (now residing also at hopeforbipolars.org), we invite members of the bipolar community to share their stories with us. We publish these stories on our website to allow those outside of our community to get to know us - our struggles, challenges and pain - and to give those who are challenged with a bipolar diagnosis solace in knowing that they are not alone. Shout out to Lucy Pearce for sharing her story with us which we are honored to share with you. [TRIGGER WARNING]
When I was in my teenage years, I used to feel emotions so strongly. One day I would be hyper excited about going to school and felt like I could achieve anything. I would be the perfect grade A student if only for a day.
This then swung in the other direction. I would be crying my eyes out at the prospect of going to school a black cloud would fall over me and my grades would suffer.
During this time I had many sexual partners. I was out of control. At the age of 18, I had a steady boyfriend, however this didn't last long (as) he couldn't handle my erratic mood swings. This relationship ended up with me cheating on him. I craved the adrenaline when I realized what I had done I didn't know how to deal with all the pain and confusion.
I didn't know what was happening to me ... so i took an overdose. This still did not lead to a diagnosis. The Drs. patched me up and sent me home.
I carried on living with this black cloud hanging over me. I met a new man (who is still with me today) however the worst was still to come. I entered into psychosis. I have always been very religious and I started having blasphemous thoughts all day everyday, it was all i could hear. I was certain that God would never forgive me and that I was destined for hell. I stopped eating, i stopped sleeping, the weight was falling off of me. I was a shivering wreck, crying continuously.
My mum decided something had to be done so she took me to my GP who sent me off to hospital. I explained all my symptoms at the hospital and I was assessed and given an appt. to see the psychiatrist the next day. They offered to admit me but i refused. The psychiatrist appt. lasted about an hour and I came out with the diagnosis of Bipolar affective disorder.
This was a shock to me but it did explain a lot of my life. They put me on meds but at first they weren't working. I was suicidal I got in my car locked myself in and threatened to drive it in to the tree, whilst sobbing my eyes out. My parents managed to pry me out of the car and threatened me with hospital admission, then I started hearing voices and feeling suicidal. This time we opted for an admission.
I was in hospital for 4 days, as I desperately wanted out. I hated being in there it scared me, however I then ended up back in hospital a couple of days later as I had obviously come out too early. I spent another 5 days in hospital. Once I was released things seemed to level out. The drugs were working. I had a steady couple of months, then I went to see my psychiatrist last week and she decided to wean me off the drugs I am currently on.
Three weeks into being weaned off and I began feeling low and suicidal. I began withdrawing from society. I am hearing voices and having flashing images so I went to the hospital and was told that the way I was being taken off my drugs was madness. And, they referred me to the care of the crisis team and I will be seen by a psychiatrist who will decide what to do with my drugs. And, here i am now ... typing this ... with my music on trying to drown out the voices. Good thing is i am being seen by the psych nurse tomorrow. I hope this hasn't been too long and boring.
~ Lucy Pearce, United Kingdom